Co-Dependent No More

You keep me hopelessly
independently dependent.

When I shatter,
fall into a billion pieces

I need you to fix things,
to be there when I call;
when I break,

collect my tears
wash the panes

help me to see again.

I need your rock solid countenance
no matter how badly I treat you,
how hard I push,

you always stand strong...

(I see the longing in your eyes)

I've ruined your every relationship.

You thrust your disappointment
and when the act is done
it is seen
by every one.

I've tried to leave,
I told you to stop
it just isn't healthy
this independence I crave

(this dependence you create)

If you love me
leave me be

allow me to stand on my own,
make my mistakes,
pay the consequence

(or reap the reward)

I stopped calling
I've stopped being so dependent
I stopped asking you to fix things

(you can't fix me)

I am just not as broken
as you have led me to believe...

BAN

These Strands of Life

This we know: All things are connected
like the blood that unites us.
We did not weave the web of life,
We are merely a strand in it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.

~Chief Seattle

I struggle so much, I believe we are ripples of effect, what I do to another, I do to myself.  I guess my problem is, though I act with love, many others do not.  This web of life, is constantly pulling, tugging me in different directions, and in reading Hafiz, Tagore, Osho, Gibran...I get it, perhaps it is easier said than done, I try...and each morning I wake I try again, I am growing tired, and I am not sure how much each strand can take, mine is growing thin, what will happen when it breaks.  Is it then I will know what letting go means? 

 

Patchouli and Amber

Patchouli and amber

the only scent I ever burn.

 

I stare at the wisp of smoke

a straight line

until it curls

and disappears.

 

It ever lingers

when I am gone

 

and when I re-enter

this sacred space

 

crawl between the sheets

I am reminded

 

this scent

 

it is all I have left

of you.

 

BAN

Shape Shifter

I am not what I appear to be
an inverted image of what I want you to see

convex
concave

a constant distortion
to keep you guessing.

A shape shifter
unaware of the transition
of one form to another.

(I had to survive)

When I become uncomfortable
with you being too close
afraid you will see too much

I disappear
become an apparition...
a wisp of mist

breathe me in
let me feel

your true intention.

BAN

Clay Chalice

I am a curved clay chalice
aged over the years
to its current imperfection.

I've carried life's burdens
far more than most
far less than some
and still

I am overflowing with love.

I want you to drink
from my lip
all that I have

take me from the shelf
fill me to overflowing
flood my burdens
replace them with your passion.

Let us stream through this life
rippling with joy
turn me into a fount...

make me feel useful again.
  © BAN

Will You Wait for Me?

I don't always get things right,
I stumble and I fall,

I don't always have the drive
to keep up with you,
I am fragile in emotion

and I often cry.

I change with the seasons,
but always carry a smile,
my stormy weather
is as soft as my shine.

The shadows live in my eyes,
they are always with me,
but the sun is on my shoulder
so it isn't always rain.

I get lost in the understanding
not knowing how to just be
I hide my dirty hands
thinking you will find me unworthy
if only in my mind.

Please tell me,
if I fall behind
if I get lost around the bend

if I fumble in exhaustion
or break in the effort...

will you wait for me...

BAN

Change

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, 

but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. 

~ Maya Angelou

Shades of Being

I wear colors of love
and shades of sorrow
the many hues
of experience.

To say I don't do darkness
is to deny the shadows
of what brought me into being,

it is to only pay attention
to the hills basking in the sun
and not the valleys
holding up the lofty heights.

See me as the palette of twilight,
you find beautiful at the end of the day,
for it is within the shades of sorrow
I've found the brighter spots of soul.
© BAN