Dismissed

You think my moral compass is off,

your side long looks

and pursed tones

 

are not attractive.

 

I call you friend

 

(at least I thought you were)

 

I try to feel out your moods,

give you space when you need it,

talk to you when you are open

 

but those split second shifts

cut me to the bone.

 

Here is a smile,

I wish you well

deep within you

 

is the woman I love,

care about deeply

 

but my patience has worn thin

perhaps I should thank you

 

for your dismissal.

 

BAN

Sometimes you just have to know when to say, enough is enough.  As much as I hate to walk away, I have no other choice, friend or not, when one stops contributing to your growth...and you theirs, it is time to go.  I will miss her, but anyone who makes me feel as I feel right now...is not a friend, I wish you love, I wish you success in all you are striving to be, goodbye.

I am responsible...

I am responsible for the energy I bring into any space I enter.  This planet we live upon is vibrational, and the energy I bring into a space can affect the energy of others in the room. 

If we all took the time to ponder on this thought, how much change could be brought about if we all took this responsibility to heart? 

This does not mean we have to be positive all of the time, that is impossible, but I can allow others to know where I am at, and this my friends, allows me to feel what I am feeling, and it lets others off the hook allowing them to know, they are not to blame for how I am feeling.

I teach skills classes in a community mental health agency, I respect my members enough to allow them to know when they enter the space where I am at, to let them know where I am beginning the day.  It has become a daily exercise to let others know where we are emotionally, and when it is put out there, we can let it go, and get down to the task at hand and feel lighter doing so.

Think about it, if I enter a room, I am tired, slept two hours the night before, I was late to work, not fully prepared and annoyed with myself for not being more prepared, when others enter the room, all they see is that I am in a foul mood, I may not be as open and friendly as I usually am, and if I say nothing, they may feel they have done something wrong.  How often do we do this to each other?

When I lay it out on the table, and say, you will have to be patient with me guys, I've had a rough night, it may take me a little while to kick start it this morning, it allows them to help me through, and within a short time, things are back to normal and we are enjoying the time spent together helping each other.  Same goes for others, perhaps if we just meet each other where we are, allow for reflection, clear the space and onward we go feeling much better for owning what we are feeling.

I am responsible for the energy I bring into this space, into any space I enter.  It is a powerful statement. I cannot be responsible for any other, only my own.  I only hope if I keep this in mind, I may be able to impact the energy of others, by allowing myself to be responsible for my own and creating a vibrational space that will allow others to be okay with theirs and together, we can move forward in a positive way. 

Just a thought...hope you are enjoying your holiday weekend.

B.



 

Take me as I am

I might not be somebody's first choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich, but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not because I am good at being me.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away.”
― Unknown

This is something I needed to see today and something I felt the need to share.  I am all about reminders, I am not perfect, but I certainly don't need to be.  In this life I have learned life is not a fairy tale, those damn books of perfect girls finding their prince charming...we grow up thinking that is how it should be, how we should be.  

Some of us are disappointed when this myth is shattered, we find out those books are a lie, and though it may happen for some, it isn't the dream we all share.  I grew to think there was something inherently wrong with me, I am never the first choice, but it doesn't necessarily mean I am not a great choice.  I may live out my days alone, maybe I won't, but for today I must accept  if someone can't see what I have to offer, it is okay.  

I would rather live my days alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate me just as I am.  

Pray for Rain

You tell me,
I am never alone.

Amber candle flickers
along my wall,
my shadow dances,

alone,

Where is your proof?

I speak,
no one answers,

I call out,
louder this time,
I am met with silence.

(silence)

It's all the proof I need,
I turn up the radio
sing another sad love song

and pray for rain.

BAN

Denial

I cut off all my hair,
in this,
the last act
to feel something.

I run my fingers through
what is left,
face flushed with fever
eyes bright

and still

the tears will not fall.

BAN

Is It Ever Easy?

Is it ever easy?

I remember a time
when it was.
This world
has a way of breaking a life

(a heart)

and love should be easy
to give

(to accept)

to share without consequence
without strings.

We are the sum
of our parts

(our past)

and by the time I find you
I compete against the elements
of those who came before

and I wonder what (or is it who)
 could have done such damage.

I catch myself in the mirror
to see much of the same.

(what are we doing?)

Is love meant for all, or just those
lucky enough to find it

(deserve it)

and where does that leave us...

BAN

Done

I can't do this anymore.

I smile a little too much these days,
for the benefit of you

and you, and you.

I want to believe good things come
to those who sow kindness,
your zen sayings

Rumi love
and Gibran wisdom
are lost on me.

I do the next right thing,
I open my heart to love,
I extend kindness and compassion

I give far more than I ever take,

and here I am alone.

I guess karma is a bitch,
the joke is on me,

(and all this time,
I thought you were laughing with me).

BAN

Rejection

My defenses,
I let them down

(I let you in).

I told you things,
I now regret

secrets let out
and where did they go...

(what will you do with them?)

I didn't want to think
you would let me down,

(even if it didn't work out)

Love,
perfect as is,
but is it enough?

I hear you say,
let's be friends...

(and you never speak to me again).

BAN

Pushing Daisies

This house
and the memories it holds...

macabre music plays
upon the floorboards
steps taken
bemoan the weight

of what is lost.

Life once lush
quickly slips out
upon the ghost

of love

(or is it hate).

Dead to the waking
even I know
the meadow speaks

(calls my name)

leads me away
in mournful dance,
I wave my arms

sink below the surface,
maybe these little deaths

will push the daisies forth
for you to
pluck the petals...

(he loves me, he loves me not)

BAN

After the Rain

At a distance
I can see in my mind
Lilly of the Valley,

Eve's tears
threatening to fall
for our inability to see...

paradise is wherever we are.

One cannot simply be removed,
ousted for anothers view
on what sin is and what sin is not.

The garden of purity lives,

love flows from within
brings happiness
for those who seek it.

After the rain
open your heart
open your eyes

be still...

and know.

BAN

To Have, To Hold

I live my days
vicariously through casual
observances.

A glance here,
there...

I see far beyond
what others see
on the surface.

The small affections shown,
taken for granted
how few recognize

the privilege it is
to love,

to be loved.

I've known the love of children,
a good friend
I've seen what the love of a good man can do

but it has only been in the eyes of others.

Sad that few
realize how blessed
they really are

to have and to hold.

BAN

Forgiveness

I gathered my stray thoughts,
plucked them all
from the cloud above my head

the one with the dark brooding color
threatening rain
and gale force winds.

I talked with each and every one,
wanting to know,
why do you burden me so?

I decided it was time
to pull out the ghost of my past
scold her for haunting my today
making me suspicious
and scared of all I don't know.

She looked at me with sad eyes
flinching at the anger in my voice
waiting for the hand of
misguided justice to come down
in the name of...

in the name of,

I sound a bit like someone
I used to know.

(am I repeating the same mistakes
I swore I never would?)

A never ending circle
bringing us back to where we began,
given the chance to change things.

Instead of scolding her more,
I gave her a hug
told her I loved her,
and just like that...

she was set free.

BAN

One

The flowers you sent
died today.

Petals fell
one by one
I began to count
lost in thought

the numbers no longer matter.

Days have gone by,
I cross off the calendar
pages turned

months, years

love given
not returned

and still I love.

(love you, and you, and you...)

What is it worth
when none accept

what good is this love

with another month gone,
(another page turned)

one may be the loneliest number
but one is the only number

I can truly count on.

BAN

From the Inside

I let you in,

(inside, outside
outside, in)

let you feel me,
let you bask in the light
and warmth of who I am.

I welcomed your attention,
I knew I shouldn't

wanted your closeness
wanted a like mind
and someone who understood.

I let you down,
or did you let me down?

I guess it doesn't really matter,
you have shut me out
I felt the push...

(outside, inside
inside out)

I am met with silence
the door has closed
and I have locked it

from the inside.

(inside, outside
outside, in)

BAN

Price for Suffering

Where did the woman go
I used to be.

(I miss her)

The one whose green tourmaline eyes
smiled for anyone and everyone
who wanted a taste of life,

whose laugh could infect
a thousand sour faces
sweetening them with just
a twinkle of mischief
and a wink of knowing.

(where did she go)

I've had nothing but love
for the collection of sorrows
and one by one
each betrayal etches a line
pulls the corners downward

my arms reach
my eyes plead
my heart aches

I still want to believe

(I have to believe)

I haven't failed yet...

BAN