Growing Panes

The growing panes of yesterday
once clouded with fear and uncertainty
appear crystal clear
with the rain of time
and finally I see.

I loved you once upon a time,
the very nearness of you
would set my heart on fire
flames of want
threatened to devour the whole of me.

The soft voice of my name
spoke through your lips
the way your eyes looked at me,

these panes of time...

streaked with the tears
of the insane wishes of a girl
who just wanted to lay in your arms.

The contrasts were too much,
black and white
faded to gray
and they put me away
painted my panes
to mirror what they thought I should see.

Labeled and medicated,
they tried to mold me into the perfect doll,
posed my arms, my head and my smile
placed me on a shelf for all to admire.

Years have passed
and I've found you again,

I'm no longer that doll
who shattered soon after
heart broken for what was not allowed to be.

And through these panes of time,
I finally see,

how little I meant to you.

© BAN

I was contacted by an old flame, someone I cared for very much when I was younger.  He was a bit of a forbidden love my parents separated me from, and all that followed was a difficult period in my life.   

Seems this man thought he was going to waltz in and have what he wanted, in spite of the fact he was not only attached through marriage but also had another on the side, where does that leave me?  

I didn't let it get too far, I wrote to him and stated I deserved better, and I am so much more than a good time, I am after all a human being with feelings, and I have so much more to offer to someone who wants to get to know me...and I happen to think I am a pretty special person who deserves someone who will allow me to be the best I can be.

It's good to speak your mind, allow others to know where you stand, when I stated this, he apologized and we were able to have a nice chat about where things were left between us and it is good to be on level playing ground and to move forward knowing as adults we can speak to each other without hurting one another.   

I was broken...but it's over now

For a long time I was so weary
Tired of the sound, I've heard before,
The gnawing of the night time at the door,
Haunted by the things I've made
Stuck between the burning light and the dust shade

Invisible

How do I write the scream,
let it out
release years of quiet suffering,

how do I...

I live in self imposed isolation,
afraid I might be seen,
nervous laughter

covers how I really feel.
Known as one who allows others to shine,

while I,
more comfortable with the dark,
hide in the shadow
of others happiness.

I sit up late at night,
write these words
no one will read,

and it is all I have,

written in whisper
so as not to draw
attention.

BAN
 

Shaken not Stirred

I reflect on my life,
one thing stands out...

alone.

No friends,
family is strained.
No social life to speak of,

(no life to share)

few know anything about me
and yet, I seem to know
more about you

than you know about me.

Is it me?
Do I care more about others
than I allow them to care about me?
Do I push you away?

(or do you push me away)

I look away from the mirror,
reflection over...

I pour another drink,
shake the ice around

just to have sound in the room.

BAN

9:23

 

There is a certain time

of night,

 

(9:23)

 

too early to go to bed,

too late to fill the space,

 

and even the tv

cannot drown out

the quiet.

 

I sit,

contemplate a life

lived on the edge;

 

(dangerously on the edge)

 

I survived

and these words are all I have

to tell the story.

 

Light clicks off,

 

(9:45)

 

eyes stare into the dark,

grateful

there is nothing to see,

 

nothing to say..

 

BAN

Hmmm...you figure it out, is almost that time, it's been a long day, and I have been up since 4:30 a.m.  Sometimes there is nothing more to say, no one to listen anyway, so it is, what it is.  Good night y'all...

(that is if anyone is out there reading) 

♥

Moment of Enlightenment

 
 

Lights dim,
I am
in this space of nothingness...

fullness,

and I am unsure if I am
steady enough
to continue.

I stand,
music in my mind,
song in my heart

eyes closed,
body sways to a rhythm
only I can hear.

My hand over my heart,
I know the  heaviness
will return,

but until it does,
I rest in this moment

of freedom.

 

BAN

I sing.  I am so rooted in music, it courses through my veins.  When I close my eyes, I can find music in all things, life has a rhythm we often miss.  So many things fall into sync, and given half the chance, I find myself caught up in it.  I find it most often when I sing something that touches my soul, I find a place where all else falls away, I am taken to a place no words could explain.  

When the song ends, the music stops, I feel it remain, the echoes of the vibrations that hold me still, in my mind I know it will end, but in my heart...I stay as long as I can,  I enjoy the moment for what it is and it makes all the difference. 

Daisies

I want to dance barefoot

in the meadow

among the daisies

and sing without a care.

With their spot of sun

in petal'd white

I don't care

if he loves me...

loves me not.

Why would you do such a thing

to a daisy anyway?

Tear their petals

one by one,

to find an answer

you already know.

BAN

How much we hold onto, questioning, seeking answers we already have within.  Tear apart what is good, while dwelling on what is passed.  I am reminded often, enjoy what comes, for everything has its time, and when it goes, allow it to leave, resistance is pain, and I have had enough of that to last a life time, without creating more.  

 

'Til Something Better Comes On By

Always second best,
I'll never measure up,

I heard him say...

Stay here by my side
'til something better comes on by.
We have tonight
tomorrow will come soon enough;
for now we have each other,
love me into Summer.

Always second best,
I'm never good enough.

I heard him say...

I got nothin' to do today,
won't you spend some time?
Come here and lie by me,
my bed is feeling cold.
Help me chase the chill away
love me into Fall.

Always second best,
I'm nothing like the rest

I heard him say...

Cold air is blowing,
the fire is burning hot.
Snow is falling outside my door
will you come for me once more?
You melt my resolve;
I love you into Winter.

Always second best,
left standing in the dust

I heard you say...

You are but a memory,
I must say goodbye.
You know all too well
it was only for a while.
I have met the one,
that will love me into Spring.

Thank you for staying by my side
'til something better came on by.

 

BAN

I used to joke, good enough to sleep with, not good enough to bring home to mother.  Sad but true.  Just when I thought he really might feel something for me, in would walk 'the one' and pushed aside, I was left to wonder what is wrong with me?  Oh well...it is what it is huh?  What is it that comes with being 'good enough'.  For who?  I am enough, more than enough....even if no one else sees it but me.  At least that is what I keep telling myself...