How am I gonna make each moment better than the last
How am I gonna make it better if I can't go back

I wish that I could be...

Sweet Darkness

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone

no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

~ David Whyte ~

The Analyst

"The Analyst"

Prepare yourself to meet a girl who can not sleep
Dividing every question 'til the questions are complete
Every twisted tongue she studies everyone
She won't leave any stone unturned the night is oh so young

Oh oh she's traveling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Can you be sure we haven't met see the eyes they don't forget
They wander through the passage-ways that tease a restless mind
Can't afford to slip the picture's gotta fit
Her world's a photograph that gets dissected bit by bit

Oh oh she's traveling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Re-living the mistake she's made not a moment for the curious girl

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of this life
Digging around breaking it down
Neurotic thoughts
Burning the ground
Every sight every sound
She's always the analyst

Seeds of Love

Towers and temples,
skyscrapers and streetlights,

I can’t see the sky
from the littered streets
and the crowded horizon.

Signs and billboards,
neon lights and parking lots,
highways stretch
and our dollars do not.

Black and white thinking
replaces the color,
drags us down
fills our thoughts
with violence and destruction.

I wanted to do something
so I grew a sunflower for you.

Planted it in your mind
scattered the seeds
for all to see.

It is not too late…
 

(I pray it is not too late)

Look for me in the forests
in the wind in your hair,
and the sun on your face.

Life will continue…
and love will grow,

with or without us.

©BAN

Delicate

You used to watch me
curious to know where I traveled
when I got that far off look
writing in my time worn pages.

Letter after letter
forming works of art
holding me in rapture
 

(you always were jealous
of the words).

You listened as I read to you,
captivated
 

(or so I thought)
 

by the tears running down my face,
poems sung
and you never heard a one.

Stanzas written for love,
for sorrow
for a longing you couldn't fulfill...

you knew that didn't you?

You would wait until the last word was spoken
reaching for me
knowing what came next.

Entering me you felt something...

something you couldn't define,
and when I cried out,
you knew it wasn't for you,
and when the last tear
rolled off the pillow

you realized how delicate
I really was...

BAN ©

As promised ♥ 

This is one of the most intense songs I've heard in quite a while.  Damien always a favorite, I'll be back later to post another of his songs and the poem it inspired :)

Silence Calls

My dark trembles in
tremolo sounds
do you feel the ache of release
held too long?

Eyes search
the quiet in between
breathless sigh
and fearful taint,

I whisper touch through
burnt umber'd shades
I need your warmth
to soften my hue.

Breath suspended,
syllables stilled...

(silence calls)

© BAN

Beauty in the Fall

 

I stand to see the falling,
water beads outside
the window,

I recall the question,
held within his mind,

why your sleep be troubled?

Eyes reflect through
window streams
tired and weary
with far off gaze.

Mind wanders in puddles
muddied with earth
long kept dry

in desert heat.

Lips utter a whisper,
my sleep be not troubled,

(clouds hide the lie)

and I share a picture
within my vision,

there's beauty in the fall,
and in the broken.

© BAN

Words fall...

The hum of the mmmm in my head
carries a tune unfamiliar
and familiar all the same.

I close my eyes,
allow it to lead me where it may,
the tune fades,
but the melody hangs on.

Syllables unsung,
effervesce to the surface,
mind awash in sensation

and I float among
the pictures formed there,

colors tell the story
until the words fall
upon my page

and find their way to you.

© BAN

Inspired by a conversation flow, a give and take of words shared between unknowing strangers in the getting to know, shared knowledge and feeling undescribed with mere words in this craft of writing, creating...evolving thought into sensation, pictures painted with syllables written and unwritten.  Thank you my friend...♥  

We all have a nameless path we follow,

mine is borderless

unscripted

unpaved and uncertain.

I follow without a vision,

only my intuition

leads me to take

one step after the other.

Light guides

even on the days

it is dark and lonely.

I pray

I find it is worth

the pain

I have suffered.

I pray

 I find love awaits

this tired soul,

and allows me to know

this life had some meaning.

© BAN

His Eyes

His eyes are the color
of stories unspoken,
he sees right through me
as if he has the secret of the world

held within.

I want to allow him to take a peek,
penetrate the dark corners,
archived memories
I haven't unlocked in ages.

(Would he understand?)

He is the sage,
the seer,
an ancient soul
who seeks his kind.

He searches for the one
who will allow him to
feel as if his journey has not been too long,

in this cold world
that has forgotten to appreciate beauty

forgotten to feel...

It is there,
in his eyes...

I hope he sees,
he is not alone.

BAN

He will never know what I see when I look into his eyes.  We've never met, and probably never will, isn't that the way it always is?  

Be Ignited, or Be Gone

What I Have Learned So Far

by Mary Oliver


Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the
ideal, the sublime, and the holy, and yet commit
to no labor in its cause? I don't think so.

All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds toward radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of -- indolence, or action.

Be ignited, or be gone.

Growing Panes

The growing panes of yesterday
once clouded with fear and uncertainty
appear crystal clear
with the rain of time
and finally I see.

I loved you once upon a time,
the very nearness of you
would set my heart on fire
flames of want
threatened to devour the whole of me.

The soft voice of my name
spoke through your lips
the way your eyes looked at me,

these panes of time...

streaked with the tears
of the insane wishes of a girl
who just wanted to lay in your arms.

The contrasts were too much,
black and white
faded to gray
and they put me away
painted my panes
to mirror what they thought I should see.

Labeled and medicated,
they tried to mold me into the perfect doll,
posed my arms, my head and my smile
placed me on a shelf for all to admire.

Years have passed
and I've found you again,

I'm no longer that doll
who shattered soon after
heart broken for what was not allowed to be.

And through these panes of time,
I finally see,

how little I meant to you.

© BAN

I was contacted by an old flame, someone I cared for very much when I was younger.  He was a bit of a forbidden love my parents separated me from, and all that followed was a difficult period in my life.   

Seems this man thought he was going to waltz in and have what he wanted, in spite of the fact he was not only attached through marriage but also had another on the side, where does that leave me?  

I didn't let it get too far, I wrote to him and stated I deserved better, and I am so much more than a good time, I am after all a human being with feelings, and I have so much more to offer to someone who wants to get to know me...and I happen to think I am a pretty special person who deserves someone who will allow me to be the best I can be.

It's good to speak your mind, allow others to know where you stand, when I stated this, he apologized and we were able to have a nice chat about where things were left between us and it is good to be on level playing ground and to move forward knowing as adults we can speak to each other without hurting one another.   

I was broken...but it's over now

For a long time I was so weary
Tired of the sound, I've heard before,
The gnawing of the night time at the door,
Haunted by the things I've made
Stuck between the burning light and the dust shade

Invisible

How do I write the scream,
let it out
release years of quiet suffering,

how do I...

I live in self imposed isolation,
afraid I might be seen,
nervous laughter

covers how I really feel.
Known as one who allows others to shine,

while I,
more comfortable with the dark,
hide in the shadow
of others happiness.

I sit up late at night,
write these words
no one will read,

and it is all I have,

written in whisper
so as not to draw
attention.

BAN
 

Shaken not Stirred

I reflect on my life,
one thing stands out...

alone.

No friends,
family is strained.
No social life to speak of,

(no life to share)

few know anything about me
and yet, I seem to know
more about you

than you know about me.

Is it me?
Do I care more about others
than I allow them to care about me?
Do I push you away?

(or do you push me away)

I look away from the mirror,
reflection over...

I pour another drink,
shake the ice around

just to have sound in the room.

BAN

9:23

 

There is a certain time

of night,

 

(9:23)

 

too early to go to bed,

too late to fill the space,

 

and even the tv

cannot drown out

the quiet.

 

I sit,

contemplate a life

lived on the edge;

 

(dangerously on the edge)

 

I survived

and these words are all I have

to tell the story.

 

Light clicks off,

 

(9:45)

 

eyes stare into the dark,

grateful

there is nothing to see,

 

nothing to say..

 

BAN

Hmmm...you figure it out, is almost that time, it's been a long day, and I have been up since 4:30 a.m.  Sometimes there is nothing more to say, no one to listen anyway, so it is, what it is.  Good night y'all...

(that is if anyone is out there reading) 

♥

Moment of Enlightenment

 
 

Lights dim,
I am
in this space of nothingness...

fullness,

and I am unsure if I am
steady enough
to continue.

I stand,
music in my mind,
song in my heart

eyes closed,
body sways to a rhythm
only I can hear.

My hand over my heart,
I know the  heaviness
will return,

but until it does,
I rest in this moment

of freedom.

 

BAN

I sing.  I am so rooted in music, it courses through my veins.  When I close my eyes, I can find music in all things, life has a rhythm we often miss.  So many things fall into sync, and given half the chance, I find myself caught up in it.  I find it most often when I sing something that touches my soul, I find a place where all else falls away, I am taken to a place no words could explain.  

When the song ends, the music stops, I feel it remain, the echoes of the vibrations that hold me still, in my mind I know it will end, but in my heart...I stay as long as I can,  I enjoy the moment for what it is and it makes all the difference. 

Daisies

I want to dance barefoot

in the meadow

among the daisies

and sing without a care.

With their spot of sun

in petal'd white

I don't care

if he loves me...

loves me not.

Why would you do such a thing

to a daisy anyway?

Tear their petals

one by one,

to find an answer

you already know.

BAN

How much we hold onto, questioning, seeking answers we already have within.  Tear apart what is good, while dwelling on what is passed.  I am reminded often, enjoy what comes, for everything has its time, and when it goes, allow it to leave, resistance is pain, and I have had enough of that to last a life time, without creating more.  

 

'Til Something Better Comes On By

Always second best,
I'll never measure up,

I heard him say...

Stay here by my side
'til something better comes on by.
We have tonight
tomorrow will come soon enough;
for now we have each other,
love me into Summer.

Always second best,
I'm never good enough.

I heard him say...

I got nothin' to do today,
won't you spend some time?
Come here and lie by me,
my bed is feeling cold.
Help me chase the chill away
love me into Fall.

Always second best,
I'm nothing like the rest

I heard him say...

Cold air is blowing,
the fire is burning hot.
Snow is falling outside my door
will you come for me once more?
You melt my resolve;
I love you into Winter.

Always second best,
left standing in the dust

I heard you say...

You are but a memory,
I must say goodbye.
You know all too well
it was only for a while.
I have met the one,
that will love me into Spring.

Thank you for staying by my side
'til something better came on by.

 

BAN

I used to joke, good enough to sleep with, not good enough to bring home to mother.  Sad but true.  Just when I thought he really might feel something for me, in would walk 'the one' and pushed aside, I was left to wonder what is wrong with me?  Oh well...it is what it is huh?  What is it that comes with being 'good enough'.  For who?  I am enough, more than enough....even if no one else sees it but me.  At least that is what I keep telling myself...

Dismissed

You think my moral compass is off,

your side long looks

and pursed tones

 

are not attractive.

 

I call you friend

 

(at least I thought you were)

 

I try to feel out your moods,

give you space when you need it,

talk to you when you are open

 

but those split second shifts

cut me to the bone.

 

Here is a smile,

I wish you well

deep within you

 

is the woman I love,

care about deeply

 

but my patience has worn thin

perhaps I should thank you

 

for your dismissal.

 

BAN

Sometimes you just have to know when to say, enough is enough.  As much as I hate to walk away, I have no other choice, friend or not, when one stops contributing to your growth...and you theirs, it is time to go.  I will miss her, but anyone who makes me feel as I feel right now...is not a friend, I wish you love, I wish you success in all you are striving to be, goodbye.

I am responsible...

I am responsible for the energy I bring into any space I enter.  This planet we live upon is vibrational, and the energy I bring into a space can affect the energy of others in the room. 

If we all took the time to ponder on this thought, how much change could be brought about if we all took this responsibility to heart? 

This does not mean we have to be positive all of the time, that is impossible, but I can allow others to know where I am at, and this my friends, allows me to feel what I am feeling, and it lets others off the hook allowing them to know, they are not to blame for how I am feeling.

I teach skills classes in a community mental health agency, I respect my members enough to allow them to know when they enter the space where I am at, to let them know where I am beginning the day.  It has become a daily exercise to let others know where we are emotionally, and when it is put out there, we can let it go, and get down to the task at hand and feel lighter doing so.

Think about it, if I enter a room, I am tired, slept two hours the night before, I was late to work, not fully prepared and annoyed with myself for not being more prepared, when others enter the room, all they see is that I am in a foul mood, I may not be as open and friendly as I usually am, and if I say nothing, they may feel they have done something wrong.  How often do we do this to each other?

When I lay it out on the table, and say, you will have to be patient with me guys, I've had a rough night, it may take me a little while to kick start it this morning, it allows them to help me through, and within a short time, things are back to normal and we are enjoying the time spent together helping each other.  Same goes for others, perhaps if we just meet each other where we are, allow for reflection, clear the space and onward we go feeling much better for owning what we are feeling.

I am responsible for the energy I bring into this space, into any space I enter.  It is a powerful statement. I cannot be responsible for any other, only my own.  I only hope if I keep this in mind, I may be able to impact the energy of others, by allowing myself to be responsible for my own and creating a vibrational space that will allow others to be okay with theirs and together, we can move forward in a positive way. 

Just a thought...hope you are enjoying your holiday weekend.

B.



 

Take me as I am

I might not be somebody's first choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich, but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not because I am good at being me.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away.”
― Unknown

This is something I needed to see today and something I felt the need to share.  I am all about reminders, I am not perfect, but I certainly don't need to be.  In this life I have learned life is not a fairy tale, those damn books of perfect girls finding their prince charming...we grow up thinking that is how it should be, how we should be.  

Some of us are disappointed when this myth is shattered, we find out those books are a lie, and though it may happen for some, it isn't the dream we all share.  I grew to think there was something inherently wrong with me, I am never the first choice, but it doesn't necessarily mean I am not a great choice.  I may live out my days alone, maybe I won't, but for today I must accept  if someone can't see what I have to offer, it is okay.  

I would rather live my days alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate me just as I am.  

Pray for Rain

You tell me,
I am never alone.

Amber candle flickers
along my wall,
my shadow dances,

alone,

Where is your proof?

I speak,
no one answers,

I call out,
louder this time,
I am met with silence.

(silence)

It's all the proof I need,
I turn up the radio
sing another sad love song

and pray for rain.

BAN

Denial

I cut off all my hair,
in this,
the last act
to feel something.

I run my fingers through
what is left,
face flushed with fever
eyes bright

and still

the tears will not fall.

BAN

Is It Ever Easy?

Is it ever easy?

I remember a time
when it was.
This world
has a way of breaking a life

(a heart)

and love should be easy
to give

(to accept)

to share without consequence
without strings.

We are the sum
of our parts

(our past)

and by the time I find you
I compete against the elements
of those who came before

and I wonder what (or is it who)
 could have done such damage.

I catch myself in the mirror
to see much of the same.

(what are we doing?)

Is love meant for all, or just those
lucky enough to find it

(deserve it)

and where does that leave us...

BAN

Done

I can't do this anymore.

I smile a little too much these days,
for the benefit of you

and you, and you.

I want to believe good things come
to those who sow kindness,
your zen sayings

Rumi love
and Gibran wisdom
are lost on me.

I do the next right thing,
I open my heart to love,
I extend kindness and compassion

I give far more than I ever take,

and here I am alone.

I guess karma is a bitch,
the joke is on me,

(and all this time,
I thought you were laughing with me).

BAN

Rejection

My defenses,
I let them down

(I let you in).

I told you things,
I now regret

secrets let out
and where did they go...

(what will you do with them?)

I didn't want to think
you would let me down,

(even if it didn't work out)

Love,
perfect as is,
but is it enough?

I hear you say,
let's be friends...

(and you never speak to me again).

BAN

Pushing Daisies

This house
and the memories it holds...

macabre music plays
upon the floorboards
steps taken
bemoan the weight

of what is lost.

Life once lush
quickly slips out
upon the ghost

of love

(or is it hate).

Dead to the waking
even I know
the meadow speaks

(calls my name)

leads me away
in mournful dance,
I wave my arms

sink below the surface,
maybe these little deaths

will push the daisies forth
for you to
pluck the petals...

(he loves me, he loves me not)

BAN

After the Rain

At a distance
I can see in my mind
Lilly of the Valley,

Eve's tears
threatening to fall
for our inability to see...

paradise is wherever we are.

One cannot simply be removed,
ousted for anothers view
on what sin is and what sin is not.

The garden of purity lives,

love flows from within
brings happiness
for those who seek it.

After the rain
open your heart
open your eyes

be still...

and know.

BAN

To Have, To Hold

I live my days
vicariously through casual
observances.

A glance here,
there...

I see far beyond
what others see
on the surface.

The small affections shown,
taken for granted
how few recognize

the privilege it is
to love,

to be loved.

I've known the love of children,
a good friend
I've seen what the love of a good man can do

but it has only been in the eyes of others.

Sad that few
realize how blessed
they really are

to have and to hold.

BAN

Forgiveness

I gathered my stray thoughts,
plucked them all
from the cloud above my head

the one with the dark brooding color
threatening rain
and gale force winds.

I talked with each and every one,
wanting to know,
why do you burden me so?

I decided it was time
to pull out the ghost of my past
scold her for haunting my today
making me suspicious
and scared of all I don't know.

She looked at me with sad eyes
flinching at the anger in my voice
waiting for the hand of
misguided justice to come down
in the name of...

in the name of,

I sound a bit like someone
I used to know.

(am I repeating the same mistakes
I swore I never would?)

A never ending circle
bringing us back to where we began,
given the chance to change things.

Instead of scolding her more,
I gave her a hug
told her I loved her,
and just like that...

she was set free.

BAN

One

The flowers you sent
died today.

Petals fell
one by one
I began to count
lost in thought

the numbers no longer matter.

Days have gone by,
I cross off the calendar
pages turned

months, years

love given
not returned

and still I love.

(love you, and you, and you...)

What is it worth
when none accept

what good is this love

with another month gone,
(another page turned)

one may be the loneliest number
but one is the only number

I can truly count on.

BAN

From the Inside

I let you in,

(inside, outside
outside, in)

let you feel me,
let you bask in the light
and warmth of who I am.

I welcomed your attention,
I knew I shouldn't

wanted your closeness
wanted a like mind
and someone who understood.

I let you down,
or did you let me down?

I guess it doesn't really matter,
you have shut me out
I felt the push...

(outside, inside
inside out)

I am met with silence
the door has closed
and I have locked it

from the inside.

(inside, outside
outside, in)

BAN

Price for Suffering

Where did the woman go
I used to be.

(I miss her)

The one whose green tourmaline eyes
smiled for anyone and everyone
who wanted a taste of life,

whose laugh could infect
a thousand sour faces
sweetening them with just
a twinkle of mischief
and a wink of knowing.

(where did she go)

I've had nothing but love
for the collection of sorrows
and one by one
each betrayal etches a line
pulls the corners downward

my arms reach
my eyes plead
my heart aches

I still want to believe

(I have to believe)

I haven't failed yet...

BAN

Co-Dependent No More

You keep me hopelessly
independently dependent.

When I shatter,
fall into a billion pieces

I need you to fix things,
to be there when I call;
when I break,

collect my tears
wash the panes

help me to see again.

I need your rock solid countenance
no matter how badly I treat you,
how hard I push,

you always stand strong...

(I see the longing in your eyes)

I've ruined your every relationship.

You thrust your disappointment
and when the act is done
it is seen
by every one.

I've tried to leave,
I told you to stop
it just isn't healthy
this independence I crave

(this dependence you create)

If you love me
leave me be

allow me to stand on my own,
make my mistakes,
pay the consequence

(or reap the reward)

I stopped calling
I've stopped being so dependent
I stopped asking you to fix things

(you can't fix me)

I am just not as broken
as you have led me to believe...

BAN

These Strands of Life

This we know: All things are connected
like the blood that unites us.
We did not weave the web of life,
We are merely a strand in it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.

~Chief Seattle

I struggle so much, I believe we are ripples of effect, what I do to another, I do to myself.  I guess my problem is, though I act with love, many others do not.  This web of life, is constantly pulling, tugging me in different directions, and in reading Hafiz, Tagore, Osho, Gibran...I get it, perhaps it is easier said than done, I try...and each morning I wake I try again, I am growing tired, and I am not sure how much each strand can take, mine is growing thin, what will happen when it breaks.  Is it then I will know what letting go means? 

 

Patchouli and Amber

Patchouli and amber

the only scent I ever burn.

 

I stare at the wisp of smoke

a straight line

until it curls

and disappears.

 

It ever lingers

when I am gone

 

and when I re-enter

this sacred space

 

crawl between the sheets

I am reminded

 

this scent

 

it is all I have left

of you.

 

BAN

Shape Shifter

I am not what I appear to be
an inverted image of what I want you to see

convex
concave

a constant distortion
to keep you guessing.

A shape shifter
unaware of the transition
of one form to another.

(I had to survive)

When I become uncomfortable
with you being too close
afraid you will see too much

I disappear
become an apparition...
a wisp of mist

breathe me in
let me feel

your true intention.

BAN

Clay Chalice

I am a curved clay chalice
aged over the years
to its current imperfection.

I've carried life's burdens
far more than most
far less than some
and still

I am overflowing with love.

I want you to drink
from my lip
all that I have

take me from the shelf
fill me to overflowing
flood my burdens
replace them with your passion.

Let us stream through this life
rippling with joy
turn me into a fount...

make me feel useful again.
  © BAN

Will You Wait for Me?

I don't always get things right,
I stumble and I fall,

I don't always have the drive
to keep up with you,
I am fragile in emotion

and I often cry.

I change with the seasons,
but always carry a smile,
my stormy weather
is as soft as my shine.

The shadows live in my eyes,
they are always with me,
but the sun is on my shoulder
so it isn't always rain.

I get lost in the understanding
not knowing how to just be
I hide my dirty hands
thinking you will find me unworthy
if only in my mind.

Please tell me,
if I fall behind
if I get lost around the bend

if I fumble in exhaustion
or break in the effort...

will you wait for me...

BAN

Change

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, 

but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. 

~ Maya Angelou

Shades of Being

I wear colors of love
and shades of sorrow
the many hues
of experience.

To say I don't do darkness
is to deny the shadows
of what brought me into being,

it is to only pay attention
to the hills basking in the sun
and not the valleys
holding up the lofty heights.

See me as the palette of twilight,
you find beautiful at the end of the day,
for it is within the shades of sorrow
I've found the brighter spots of soul.
© BAN